I’m not writing this for pity or sympathy. I’m writing this because I want to share how GREAT my God is. I know this is long, but I want to share the full story!
Back in August of 2019 Josh and I had a lot of change happening in our lives! Josh was finishing up school, our baby girl just turned one, and the Lord opened the door to a new position at church down in Sarasota, FL. After A LOT of prayer and tears, we accepted the position and said the hardest goodbyes (really, just see you soon) to our Georgia church family of 6 wonderful years!
In the middle of all this, I was holding on to a huge secret. I found out I was pregnant! Although this pregnancy wasn’t planned, I was so excited to share with Josh the amazing news. I hopped on Etsy and ordered Evalyn a shirt that said “promoted to big sister”. I couldn’t order off Amazon or else he would see (sneeky sneeky). It took weeks for the shirt to get in and BOY OH BOY was it hard not ruining the surprise! The day it came in, I put the shirt on Eva and had the cutest photo session with her. When Josh came home, I captured the sweetest video of her waddling over to her daddy in her new shirt. When he realized what it said, his eyes filled with tears of joy and repeatedly said “Really? Really?”
But the surprise doesn’t stop there. We were just weeks away from our big move and didn’t know how long it would be before I could get insurance switched over and get an appointment in Florida. So we quickly made an appointment to see the doctor and confirm the pregnancy. We had our appointment with the sweet doctor who delivered Evalyn, and she confirmed the pregnancy! We were overjoyed. While laying there getting my first ultrasound they found something definitely new to me… not just one sac with a little baby, but two! Yes, you read that right. We were pregnant with twins!
Whoa, I mean whoa! Definitely didn’t see that coming. Although we were instantly overwhelmed and stressed (i’d be lying if I said we were chill about all this), of course we were extremely happy! As the weeks went by, we kept this little secret to ourselves for a few reasons. 1, We wanted to surprise our family when we moved down to Florida. And 2, we didn’t want it to seem like we were moving just because we were pregnant! It really was a God thing.
Well, here comes August. The week of big move arrives quickly and I head to my last doctors appointment. I laid down for another ultrasound of our little ones, excited to see how they have grown since our last visit. But something was different this time. The room was quiet. The very friendly and outgoing ultrasound tech was silent while capturing images. She didn’t play us the sweet sound of the babies heartbeat. The only words she said to us was “The doctor will be in shortly.” My heart dropped. I knew something was wrong. I wanted to get up and run right out of the office. I didn’t want to hear what she was going to come in and say.
As I sat there frozen and numb, in walks our once cheerful doctor to share the worst news for any expecting parent. “There has been no growth since the last visit, and there is no heartbeat. You will be miscarrying within the next few days…” She went on to tell me what to expect and the pain that can come with it but I couldn’t process those words. The real pain I was experiencing was instant, deep down in my gut. They are gone? Just like that? Why? How? Did I do something wrong? I had so many questions I wanted to get out but all I could do is cry.
It was time to get in the car and start the long drive to Florida. I was extremely emotional leaving our Georgia family and now knowing I was miscarrying. In the pouring rain, Josh was driving in front of me in the big moving truck and I followed behind in our little car with Eva and our cat, Loki. As I started driving, the pain and cramping started. I instantly knew what was happening. I tried to be tough and keep it together but all I could do is cry, cry out God. By the time we hit Atlanta, the rain finally slowed down. As I came over a small hill, I saw something that made me instantly stop crying. Not just one rainbow, but two. I had an overwhelming amount of peace that came over me. Out loud I kept saying “Wow. God you are good. You are faithful. Thank you Lord” over and over and over.
I took out my phone and snapped a picture of this beautiful sight. There it was, the symbol of God’s promise. I fully believe my God loves so much, that the bit of rain was simply to place those two rainbows in our path. Two rainbows to represent the two babies we lost. In the middle of the hurt and heart break I was experiencing, I was quickly reminded of Gods love, His peace, His faithfulness. Later when talking to Josh, I found out he saw the rainbow and took a picture at the exact same time.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
I would love to sit here and tell you that instantly life was good and my broken heart was healed but I’d be lying. It was hard to talk about so I kept it to myself for the longest time. At family get togethers or meeting new people at church I felt I was constantly getting “When are you guys going to have more kids?” “Do you and Josh want to have more?” “Don’t you want to give Evalyn a playmate?” Innocent, simple questions that stung so deep. I would fight back my tears and simply answer “In the Lord’s timing”.
I knew the promise the Lord gave us. The double rainbow I truly believe He placed in the sky for us. I believe in His perfect timing and faithfulness. As I sought to heal my brokenness, I starting digging into the scriptures more. I found different Bible studies that talked about miscarriages and finding God in the midst. Our journey to have another child was longer than we wanted, but during that waiting time the Lord continued to pour out His love and blessings on our lives daily. I have grown and learned even more about praising the Lord in all circumstances. God is still there, He is for you, even in the waiting.
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
If you have ever dealt with loss, you know how real and how deep that pain is. People say “it’s common, it happens to so many” but none of that matters or effects the level of hurt in your life when you experience it. If anything, knowing many other women experience the same thing hurts my heart even more. The further I got in my journey of healing, I quit asking “why God?” and starting asking “God, how can I glorify you through this?”.
I wanted to share our story to not make you feel sad or sorry for us. Not to get your sympathy, but to share how awesome our God is. Although the darkness is overwhelming, there is light. There is goodness and hope to be found in Jesus. There is a strong and loving God who wants to scoop you up and wrap you in His healing arms. A God who loves so much, and so big, that He will even put a rainbow in the sky.
“All my life You have been faithful
All my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
I will sing of the goodness of God”
– Goodness of God // Bethel Music